Shirley needs?

A friend suggested that I type in my name followed by the word "needs" into google. Well, I did and this is apparently what I need...

Shirley needs a lot of prayer in healing her lungs and healing off cig's. NOT! I've NEVER smoked!

Shirley has been in a mess she needs to get out of the place she is in fast. I've said this DAILY!

I agree that Shirley needs a facelift....HEY! That's not nice!

Shirley needs new heart to arrest shopping decline...There's been a shopping DECLINE? Try and convince my husband of that!

Shirley needs analysis. I agree....someone needs to analyze me quickly to find out why I'm so crazy.

Shirley needs hair. Say what?!!

Shirley needs variety and lots of.... Well, don't leave me hanging....lots of WHAT?!

Shirley needs your stories in her Parental Rights Advocacy Book. OK...whatever....

Shirley needs to crawl back into the hole she came back from, because she doesn't sound like a good mother, does she? That's right....I beat my children....

Shirley needs to stay out of the race. Too late....I'm well entrenched in the rat race.

Shirley needs strength for her hobby, which is mountain climbing. My husband will be thrilled that I'm no longer buying scrapbook supplies.

According to Google....these are the things that Shirley needs.....
Hmmm.....I'm not sure I agree.